Introduction to PF Weights
The first time I heard the term, “Pelvic Floor”, I was a little girl. A little girl who didn’t like to pee much. I held it in until I was almost bursting. You see, where we lived was bloody cold, and the bathrooms were in the coldest part of the house. I didn’t like getting a cold arse, so I trained myself to stop my bladder. Sometimes, when I really needed to pee, I couldn’t, the muscles wouldn’t relax. It was like they were locked tight.
This upset my mother terribly. She tried everything to get me to relax enough to pee. Heaters in the bathrooms and gentle singing. When that didn’t work, she resorted to over the top emotional scenes which just made it worse.
One Christmas, when we were with all of our family in Christchurch, my mum, her older sister and my grandma ambushed me. Women always hunt in packs when its serious. They lured me into my aunts kitchen, with promises of cake and then cornered me, right next to the stove. There was nowhere to run. I could see all my cousins playing outside, but they were too far away to rescue me. Shit! Each of them had their serious face on. My Aunty bent down and told me about their “Aunty Snowy” who died, because her bladder burst.
Whaaat? I was only about 5 at this stage. Every time I replay this memory, I envisage a smaller version of my grandma, getting bigger and bigger and eventually exploding, pee spraying everywhere. It still makes me chuckle a bit. On this occasion, the first time I was told this tale, it was too much for my over active imagination and I burst out laughing. My mum immediately started crying.
This was serious. The dramatic outbursts my mother usually unleashed were absent. She just sat down and silently wept. I felt horrible. So, the crux of the story is, Snowy, the “great aunt”, never went to the toilet, she held on all the time and one day, her bladder got so full, it ruptured and she died. Apparently, it killed her instantly.
In the New Year, mum took me to see a Urologist, an Indian man with really smooth skin, who diagnosed my pelvic floor as being too active. I had to learn how to relax it. It didn’t take that long to learn a few little tricks to tighten and relax my nether regions on cue. Way back then, I never knew what the pelvic floor entailed, but I did understand the importance of learning how to relax her (my box).
After I had my daughter, mum gave me my first set of Ben-wa balls. She went on about how important it was to get your muscles working correctly again after birth. I was 21 and deep in the freaking out, sleep deprived, mildly insane, new mum baby bubble.
“Mum! My Vagina just died a painful friggin’ death! I am not putting anything in there ever again!”
Many years, another child and an Abdominoplasty later, I found those magical balls. My mum laughed when I told her and suggested I get new ones. She was adamant the balls absorb the energy that surrounds them and that my box needed new energy as she was a new “empowered” vagina. How could I argue with that?! After pushing two people out and surviving the trauma, my box was definitely something and “empowered” sounded bloody great!
The ones she gave me were heavy stone, with chimes inside that moved when you shook them. I couldn’t find them anywhere and gallivanting around the countryside, toddler in tow, searching for magical chiming balls for my box, didn’t appeal, so I opted for the best thing I could find. Now, taking a small child into an Adult store is pretty f*cked up, even by my standards, but the call of my newly awoken, ravenous vagina was almost deafening and I had no choice but to listen.
Thank you, Manly Adult Store. You offered many places for embarrassed men to hide upon our arrival. After quickly scanning the store, Bliss balls took my fancy. Shiny. Weighted. Waterproof. Phthalate free. Body safe. And you burn “48 calories per hour when using these balls of pure Bliss.” Sold! When I got them home, I read the low down. Safe. Fun. Sexy. Don’t fall asleep with them in. Prolonged use can cause serious problems. 15 min max. Sweet. I lubed up and put them in. The first one was ok. But the second one, ouch. You know when you were little and you’d put two gob stoppers in your mouth and it felt like you were choking? Well, she almost needed the bloody Heimlich Manoeuvre! It was a tight fit. I reassured myself I only had 14 minutes remaining and should embrace the moment.
Making dinner was interesting that night. The weighted balls ended up being fabulous! She shivered with delight and felt things that hadn’t been experienced before. A warm glow radiated over my body. My kids suddenly sounded like angels singing heavenly hymns. They were Bliss indeed. Slightly painful, but I kind of liked it.
Turns out, they were too big. Back then, I didn’t know they came in different sizes. I was a mum of two small kids whose vagina was making a sudden resurgence after years of silence and I wasn’t exactly going ask “Steve” the Adult Sex Shop guy what size he thought my vagina could handle! Getting the first one out was relatively fine. No drama. But the second couldn’t be reached. F*ck!
I called my mum in New Zealand. “BB. I can’t get one of the balls out. It’s too far up”.
“Pop it out. Like an egg” She cackled, through fits of laughter
“What?! Like a what?! I am not a f*cken chicken mum! I don’t think she can do that!”
“Your vagina isn’t a clamp, Tess. It’s more like a snake. You can move the muscles rhythmically to push things out”.
My box is a snake. Fantastic! Good to finally know! Purge away snake! With mums coaching, it eventually came out. The next morning, I set off to get a smaller set, but I didn’t dare go to the same Adult store again. I went to the one in Dee Why, on the main road. It used to be above Mike Pawleys. My ever patient toddler accompanied me. I put a dark beanie on him this time though, I felt he needed a disguise.
Upon opening the door, I was bloody delighted that the cashier, was a woman. Thank god! And she wasn’t a straight, innocent fake virgin looking woman either. This chick knew her toys! Praise the Vagina Goddess!
I explained the story as my son toddled around. It had just opened and we were the only ones there. My wee fella was only just walking, so he wandered through rows of crutch less suspenders, edible undies and numerous costumes without batting an eyelid. This bird was great. She recommended a double ball system that were fused together with latex, complete with a pull cord for easy retrieval. I was sold! “I’ll take them Janet!”
As I was paying, a very normal looking man arrived and without saying a word, handed Janet a stack of $20s as she handed him, what can only be described as, a huge black man’s arm. Because that is exactly what it was. A huge. Black. Latex. Arm. With a fist one end and an extended hand with a tucked thumb on the other. It must have been almost a metre long and thick. REALLY Thick. I’d never seen anything like it.
His eyes lit up. My vagina clamped shut in fear and all of a sudden, my son was right next to me, staring up at it and pointing. The guy grabbed the arm and stashed it under his coat as he raced out the door. It was 10:30am. Apparently its never too early to crack open the party tricks! What a bloody morning! Here I was freaking out about buying balls to tighten my box, when this chap was buying devices to loosen her closest neighbour! I felt bloody liberated. Like a woman in charge of her sexuality. Looking back, maybe I should have gone home and burnt a bra!
The connected balls were fantastic. Easy to use, the right size and allegedly, Dishwasher safe (I never tested that one out). Many years later, the closest product I have found on the market, to my original duo system, is the Ovo Lifestyle Toy. This ingenious little drop of wonder comes with a 15 year warranty – yep – 15 YEARS! Its waterproof, 100% body safe, silicone and has won many design awards. It comes with replacement balls, so you can progress yourself. This product is designed to help you engage your pelvic floor and gives you immediate feedback, but unlike pelvic floor weights, Ovo is on the lighter end of the spectrum and are larger than the Aquaflex, for example. They are a perfect product to start with and they come in a range of colours in case you feel your vagina needs some Va-jazzing! Ovo can be purchased in most adult stores, or if you’re not too keen on that option, they can also be purchased on ebay (direct from the store is cheaper to be honest).
I have been obsessed with finding out about more products that are on the market, which help women tone and tighten our Pelvic Floor and since that romance began, many moons ago now, I have tried great ones and total shit ones. I’ve narrowed them down to my favourites for you. Complete with links to where you purchase these little gems.
If you have any questions or suggestions for things you would like me to try out along the way, flick me a message.
I will do my best to keep it honest.
Tess x
